Jason Monastra

My life and thoughts out on the web

A little employment humor this morning:

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers &carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.  To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday &Sunday.
VACATION DAYS
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20. Employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice workday,
The Management

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous — yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar — effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.  “Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your spouse, your health, your children–things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your husband or wife out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. “Take care of the rocks first — the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“For reading a book,” she replies,
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again,
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think. Send this to four women who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you’re intelligent.

Email Out of Office Replies You’ll Want to Use…
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

The first sentence is pretty powerful!!!

God determines who walks into your life….it’s up to you to decide who
you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go. I
need this back. If you’ll do this for me, I’ll do it for you….

Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that you know they
May need this day! And may their life be full of your peace,
Prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with
You.

Amen.

Son asked his mother the following question:

‘Mom, why are wedding dresses white?’

The mother looks at her son and replies, ‘Son, this shows your friends
and relatives that your bride is pure.’

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his
father.

‘Dad why are wedding dresses white?’

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
‘Son, all household appliances come in white.”

A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blond.
The blond cop asked to see the blond driver’s license. She dug
through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s rectangular and it has your picture
on
it.”

The driver finally found a rectangular mirror in her purse, looked
at
it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
“Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into ; town
and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired
hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over t o her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it
off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my
boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He
removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off
my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the
fire light. “Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did
as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you’re fired.”

When girls don’t put out!!
This was written by a guy … it’s pretty damn smart.

Girls — Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.   Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’

I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’

She res ponded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop wh en I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.’

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’

I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.